If anyone from back home would be willing to mail me an up-to-date phone book, I would greatly appreciate it.  Shoot me an email for my new address, if you don't already have it.   EDIT:  Thank you, Mr. DM, sir!

Dear Meddling Asshole: I am on the phone with my Grandmother, who is stressed over an anonymous call from someone who told her they were reading this blog and that I was in dire financial straits and that I was doing everything in my power to keep this news from her.  Which, by the way, is: . . . (More)

Dear MGM Mirage: Bring the tigers back to the front of your property. You can spent who knows how many millions of dollars to renovate your volcano (with a soundtrack by the Grateful Dead?  Really?  I mean, *really*!?) but you can't keep one big kitty on display as you walk into the hote . . . (More)

Dear Random Walk-In: No, you cannot have a room for free. I don't care how far you've driven from or how far you have yet to go, if you have no means to pay, you cannot stay here.  This is a hotel.  We require payment prior to the rendering of services.  Your promise to have the mon . . . (More)

Dear People Who Won't Stop Tramping Up and Down the Stairs: No, you cannot use the pool. Why, you ask?  I shall give you two reasons.  First: the pool hours are clearly labelled right by the entrance.  Those hours are fromm 7AM - 11PM. It is now 1AM, which is decidedly not within th . . . (More)

(Must be the time of year for them.)   Dear Jackass Drugstore Clerk: The counter at the pharmacy is not somewhere to set your dog.  Especially if folks happen to be trying to pay for prescriptions.  You do not need to be oohing and aweing over your precious puppy (that is not that . . . (More)

Dear Hewlitt-Packard: Stop fucking with my Office.  Seriously.  Just stop it. I finally get to the point where I prefer Word over Works and I finally get this so-user-friendly-the-smart-people-can't-use-it version of Word to see eye-to-eye with what I want to do with it, then you and you . . . (More)

Dear Neighbor: Build a better fence. Sincerely,Your Horse Is in My Yard Again . . . (More)

Dear Wal-Mart Pet Department Worker: I appreciate that you are willing to take a crappy minimum-wage job in customer service, but please don't try to pull one over on me. A pleco that is barely four inches long does not qualify as a "Plecostomus, Large" and is therefore not worth the $6.99 you thin . . . (More)

Dear Characters in My Story: Please shut up and get the fuck out of the room.  I am 9,000 words into the story.  You need to leave now.  Seriously.  There are cookies waiting at the end of the hallway. K thx love ya bye: The Author. . . . (More)